If you look around our place you’ll notice something. It’s an adult mess. That’s not to say it’s messy, but daily life around our place does not involve having to navigate around the debris of children’s toys.
There aren’t any. That’s because there aren’t any children.
That has caused years of questions, cajoling, amateur (and wholly inaccurate) medical diagnoses and most often, dismissal. Most of the pressure to have children was from parents. For the life of me I couldn’t understand their desire to rush me into siring children. It turned out it was because they wanted grandchildren. There was little consideration for the other party involved; she was but a baby-making machine and in their 1950s mindset, someone who would unquestioningly accept pregnancy and motherhood as desirable.
At one point I was accused of “denying” her the opportunity to become a mother and presumably a completely fulfilled woman. (They never really asked her. It was just assumed.)
It soon got to the stage that they (and other farther-flung family members) decided one or the other of us was “broken”, either physically or mentally.
What they never got is that it goes to lifestyle. It has to do with what we want out of life as a whole. To many people that is defying the accepted social norm. It is the dismissal of “family” in favour of pursuing our own pleasures.However, we as a couple are no less a family than our neighbours raising three children. It’s just that we choose to pursue our lives differently.
We don’t have kids because we don’t want kids. It’s not that we don’t like children. It’s that we don’t want children. It was a fully conscious decision. It was also reasonable. Given the mind that I didn’t really want children I would have made a lousy father. Why subject kids to that?
My experience though is marginal compared to what women face when they make the same decision. Western society seems able to accept to some degree that a man can choose not to become a father but a woman? No, no, no! A woman who decides to remain childless becomes the object of scorn, even if it is posed in the form of “concerned questions”. She is viewed as someone who is denying some unnamed male the opportunity to spread his DNA.
The Galloping Beaver has a post which describes the social minefield travelled by a woman who made the decision early in her life to shape her future without children. As you read it you’ll notice that her decision was the responsible choice, for which she holds no regrets, yet she faced a constant barrage of criticism and prejudice.
I realized at a very early age (13 years old to be exact) that I was not cut out for motherhood. I’m sure Freud would have a field day analyzing my dysfunctional childhood, penis envy, inability to accept my role in life, selfishness, and my irresistible urge to indulge in an entire can of Pringles when I’m PMSing. But in the end it came down to one irrefutable fact – I just did NOT want to have kids. It wasn’t for me. The decision was easy..for me..not for everyone else.
/…
I cannot escape society’s disdain and confusion about my maternal void. To those who have been there, this is to reassure you that your experiences are not abnormal, to those who will be there, this is to let you know what to expect.
Read the whole thing. Those who have chosen to remain childless will likely recognize the endless probes and barbs. Those who have questioned others as to why they did not choose to have children may well see how their own words and “concern” was accurately translated as an attempt to impose their own social values in the form of a stigma.
I visited because of a link from the Beaver, and I know exactly what you are going through. don’t let them get you down.
In my case, I didn’t want children, and in my day birth control wasn’t as good as it was, and I ended up pregnant. I could have handled it, however there was something wrong, and I felt that in the very essence of me. No one would listen to me. When I gave birth to two conjoined young ones that could not live, people stopped bugging me about having kids. A terrible price to pay for being left in peace.
To be honest, many years later, with my age and financial situation set, I decided to have a child. I ended up with two, and they are the joy of my life, however, they were my choice. I didn’t feel compelled to have them, I knew I could care for them, they were not a “fertility badge” – look at me! They are the joy of my life, I raised them by myself, yet even today, when the bills come in (bought them both computers last year) and when I read about the problems with a possible recession, I wonder. I don’t regret, just wonder.
All that to say, your life is you life. You only have one and no one else can tell you how to live it. I enjoyed reading your post and am now going to read the rest of your blog. Good on ya.
By: HT on March 24, 2008
at 4:09 pm
I got here the same way HT did.
I know many people who chose not to have kids, and I really have no feelings one way or the other..
Except respect that they can make that choice, and its not my biz nor anyone elses.
Having kids is a 24/7 kinda deal which some people tend to forget. Many things have to be left aside, sacrifices have to be made. I have ..4 kids. heh. All are special, all were wanted. That being said there are many other things I wanted to do too.
My choice, and your choice are very different and that’s how the world works . Too bad that some cannot just worry about their own lives instead of everyone elses.
By: pale on March 24, 2008
at 8:57 pm
HT and Pale, I’m glad that you added to this. I recognize both of you from other blogs.
I guess the thing is, we should all be left to our own choices.
I wouldn’t want a world without children. There are those to whom children are a joy. I celebrate you and others like you. You have chosen (what a great word) to make that whole endeavour a part of your life.
The one thing I never do is question people as to “why” they chose a life with children. It was their choice.
And that’s where it rests.
Choice.
By: orca3 on March 24, 2008
at 9:47 pm
I followed HT and Pale…
I’m also childless by choice (and I’m one of those who simply does not like children)…beginning when I was twelve. And, being twelve, I realized that I had made a monumental decision — possibly my very first — about what I wanted for my own future. Also attributable to the fact that I was twelve, I immediately announced it to the world, beginning with my parents.
Forty-five years later, the only people in my life who ever granted me the absolute autonomy to make up my own mind about procreation were my parents and my life partner. None of them has ever questioned my decision. They all simply accepted that that was who I am, and they didn’t try to interfere or change my mind.
The rest of the world spent futile and dangerous time either trying to “talk sense” at me or warning others about how crazy I am. Not that I ever really injured anyone who wouldn’t leave me alone about it. Not much, anyway. Really.
I don’t harangue others into not having kids, although I freely admit that I don’t understand the urge. But that doesn’t make it a bad thing. It just makes it not my thing.
Would that the rest of the world would be so accepting.
By: Chimera on March 25, 2008
at 5:34 pm
Hi, another visitor from the Galloping Beaver here! I’ve known from the time I was a little kid that I didn’t want to be a mom. I never even liked playing with baby dolls! My husband feels the same way, thankfully. Found out after the fact that husband #1 actually DID want them, just thought I’d “come around eventually”. Hah! I’ve been lucky that I’ve not experienced any pressure about it from parents or gotten a lot of flack about it from anyone else. I’m pretty sure anyone who had designs on hassling me about being childless knows what my (profane) response would be.
By: Prole on March 25, 2008
at 9:19 pm